A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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