Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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