So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
