I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
