I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
