When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
