I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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