rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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