I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
