we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
