Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
