I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
