dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
