I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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