Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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