I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
