I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
