he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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