Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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