just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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