My Higher Power is John Stamos
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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