I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
