Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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