Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
