mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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