I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
