I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
