I just threw up on my dentist
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
