also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
