I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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