There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
there was a trapeze. enough said
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
