He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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