Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
