I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
