I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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