wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
