im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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