Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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