Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
