All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
