Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
