Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
