We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
