she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
