I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
