My nipple is on Facebook.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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