shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
