also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
