I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Come see our sink grown plant.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
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Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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