So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She bit a glass in half.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
