Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day