dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
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Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night