oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood