Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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