Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
